Unmerited Favor
The first thing that caught my eyes was the evening sky and I thought how good it was to be alive. There is this beauty about the evening sky that makes me stand in awe of His creation or artwork.
Most of the time when I step out of the gate (of my student’s house), I know there’s unmerited grace and favor. I feel ‘served’. There’s favor I’ve never experienced before such as:
- Getting a lift to the MRT when the sky turns dark
- Food served when I’m not hungry
- A share of international eateries
- Chicken soup and prata for dinner when I rushed down
- Kilos of mangoes and a lift because the mangoes were heavy
- Books purchased for my reading pleasure
I am only a teacher and I’ve done nothing to deserve all these. But I gladly receive them because I know He is the Giver of all good things, and because I did pray for favor before Him and before Man. He does it in an overwhelming manner so that I know it is Him wooing me. Tell me how could I not give my heart to the One who’s ever good and faithful to me, who shows me His love through the people around me?
Mechanics Meeting
I went for the 3rd Leaders’ Meeting and soon after we all left, Wil texted to ask how I find the meeting (a typical question he would ask). I told him that honestly, I don’t know if people would still come to church when there is no more sound, no more projection, no more this and no more that. He replied that the content of the meeting was the mechanics of running a church and he meant to say that there are aspects to look after when we run a church – we need to look at people’s needs, etc.
While I do not disagree with that, I told him quite bluntly that these mechanics are quite meaningless to me. And I’ve been thinking about my reply to him which I later find to be quite crude and critical.
There are some reasons why I thought it to be meaningless:
- Because they are mechanics? The way something works or happens which I ask myself are we becoming so action-oriented that we miss a bigger picture? Is there room for passivity rather than activity, More meditation, less machination. More reflection, less correction. More contemplation, less administration. More prayers, less airs.
- Dealing with mechanics (with humans) is never-ending. The needs of humans are diverse and we can never meet everyone’s at the same time. For e.g. The youth enjoy hanging in the sanctuary and talking to one another. An adult can come and tell you that the youth are too noisy, there are people who come into the sanctuary early and want to pray and seek God THERE. There will be people who request for a corner to be set up to welcome visitors, etc. Makes me wonder what happens when everyone turns up but God is outside the sanctuary.
I told Wil I didn’t want to get involved with mechanics in that same SMS which he didn’t reply me. I don’t want to end up speaking the way the adults do (e.g. if you can’t do something small, how to do big things for God). I think God is looking at the heart not the act. I could be doing the BIGGEST thing for God with the BIGGEST EGO and PRIDE. And I don’t know how big is BIG. HE is a Big God so I don’t know what big thing would He deem big.
I’m there at the meeting because I need to be there, I take it as a learning opportunity to see how adults communicate their ideas to get things done. I see how the ‘MC’ or Pastor address the questions thrown in by people. Basically looking at how things are done and how ‘adults’ communicate with people. Let it be a reminder for me at this point that my eyes should always be on the Cross, and the Cross alone.
Create something out of nothingness
I felt so dry. When I was reading my bible last night, with the Mandarin worship CD playing at the background, tears started rolling down. I couldn’t express what I wanted to say or even how I felt. Tears just came so I went to the usual spot in my room and just poured out my heart.
I told Him that was this strong sense of unworthiness in me and I need His grace. If prayer is such an important aspect of a Christian walk, why is it so difficult to come to You in prayer? I feel as if I know nothing and am so unworthy. The most inner stuff I poured it all out and went to bed.
This afternoon when I went for Ps James’ meeting, I was ministered in a very different way. I was supposed to be an usher, to usher people to their seats. During altar call, Ps James asked specific people to come forward and he prayed for them. I was standing behind this lady in blue and Ps James prayed for her. I was supposed to “catch” her in case she falls under the power of the Holy Spirit. She was already sobbing and after Ps prayed for her, he signaled me to pray for her and hug her. So I hugged her like how Aunty Cythnia hugged the lady next to me. And I prayed for this lady. Her crying makes me wanna cry too and I hugged her for the longest while. I was reminded of myself (the night before when I cried before the Lord). If my heart was broken for someone whom I did not even know, Jesus’ heart must be so broken and He definitely would be hugging her closer than anyone could ever imagine. At the same time, I was also greatly humbled when Ps asked me to pray for her because we were at the altar call. Not anywhere else but the altar call! This was something beyond my mind’s imagination. I mean who am I to pray for her?
Then we moved to pray for a Filipino’s pastor’s wife. Ps was praying for the couple and he asked me to lay my hand upon the wife’s chest when he prayed. I did and the next moment I knew, the wife fell under the power of the Holy Spirit and thankfully, I caught hold and she was on the floor. I don’t know why but Ps asked me to lay my hand on her stomach and pray. I just did until she got up and sat up. I then moved back to the lady in blue and continued to sit next to her as she continued sobbing before the Lord.
Today’s session was so close to my heart because God used me in a different way. Something I never had imagined before. Something that humbled me. Something that answers to this prayer – I give You my nothingness. Please create something out of it. I really have nothing. In fact, the night before I was going through such a strong sense of unworthiness that I myself was crying before the Lord. I’m very thankful that He is willing to use me to (hopefully) minister to someone. Thank You.
I think journaling helps me to look back in the past and give thanks for the now. My tutor’s blog entry on waiting reminded me of my looong season of waiting, and to encourage her with what encouraged me, I went to look up the specific quote/ entry that I put close to my heart last year.
It is in the waiting that our hearts are enlarged. The waiting does not diminish us. As a pregnant woman is enlarged in her waiting, so are our hearts. God does not always rescue us of a painful season. You know that He does not always give to us what we so desperately want when we want it. He is after something much more valuable than our happiness. Much more substantive than our health. He is restoring and growing in us an eternal weight of glory. And sometimes… it hurts.
(Captivating, John & Stasi Eldredge)
Indeed that was what I held closely. To acknowledge that God was more interested in what I was going through and really, not so much about where I’ll be but how I’ll be. He’s interested in me, as in me, more than anything else.
So as I looked back on the past year, I become thankful for this year and I came to the conclusion that life always gets better. This year is better than last year. And I believe that next year will always be better than this year, and I hope He is preparing me for next year.
Of late, I have been worrying. Worrying about things I shouldn’t be worrying. And I remember sometime back in 2006 when I experienced His joy – the fullness of joy. During that season, I was filled with a joy that I couldn’t quite describe. All I knew was that I was very happy then, with what, I didn’t know. But I was just happy. And in 2008, my friend (whom I met in one of the in service courses, and who is now my classmate) said I looked radiant as though I was well pampered by a life-partner.
I need that joy back. And how could I not be happy when this life-partner, the Lord Himself, promises that nothing could ever separate me from His love. If a human being were to always be there and say, “Don’t worry a thing. I will settle everything for you. I will take care of everything – your future, your life, your health, your everything”, wouldn’t you be so assured? And now the Lord Himself is telling you that, shouldn’t you be a happy woman, with no worries and live each day well, knowing that Someone IS really taking care of you. I need to come to this point to know that I’m wooed by the Lord Himself, and He will take care of me. I need not worry. Afterall, He said, “Fear not. I will help you”. The King is saying HE will help me. So what am I worrying about?
First Grandma’s birthday
We’re celebrating Grandma’s birthday today. We’re heading out to eat, and this is her first birthday without you by her side. It is also our first dinner together without you. The empty seat will always be yours.
It is not that I don’t know how to rejoice on this day. It’s just that celebration, be it lunar new year or Grandma’s birthday, has lost its meaning, and there’s nothing to celebrate.
It’s coming 5 months but you’re still living in the memories each day.
Wish you were here (to eat dinner with us, and be with us).
assignments makes me Zzz
I’m all done for the assignments for this academic year and my exam starts next Wed. The assignments have left me tired, and I really do feel weary now, unable to ‘properly’ start my exam revision. It doesn’t help that I’m preparing for CDA paper.
Though there are only 5 modules this semester, it’s just hectic and I’m considering extending my semesters just so that I can chill more and enjoy another 4 mths holidays. Should I?
In the recent week, I’ve managed to pass Dr R the card I’ve made. A card that took me the longest while to make, close to 3hrs. And I’m glad I gave it to her while at the same time, wondering if I should have given it to her. That’s quite contrary I know.
Whether or not I like it, I’m off to revise my SFG now.
?/5
I was asked how I’d rate my recent days and I can’t quite put a number to it. But all I can say is that I’ve been so overwhelmed by work. I had 3 assignments due on Monday and I stayed up to finish since Sunday morning. When I evenutally finished my work, it was already 7am on a Monday morning. I have no reason to complain about this, really. Because this was where I wanted to be this time last year so I am still thankful where I am, and what I’m doing. It’s just the assignments that getting on my nerves, and having your notebook down at this point doesn’t quite help. I am feeling totally frustrated right now because my MS office in this netbook has also failed me and I’ve rushing for another assignment. Things certainly ain’t that rosy and I wish to say that I’m as happy as a lark. Even as I type this, I’m waiting for the MS trial version to finish loading so that I can get some work done. It’s super frustrating!
it’s been 3 mths. how are you?
Three months already. How are you doing? Where are you?
I miss you very much and I had been containing this for so long. I never stepped into your room till today and when I did, memories of you came flooding in and so did those tears. I can just imagine you. Everything is just so imcomplete without you. You add meaning to lunar new year. It’s not lunar new year without you. There’s no one I want to visit because you’re not here. So getting away was the best but I can’t get you out of the mind when we had reunion dinner, each time we go out to eat. I miss you and I don’t know how.
Scared that I could not take it, I suppressed all my thoughts of you. But stepping into your room sparked it off. How could a man so strong, so fit crumble? Why did you have to leave?
the reality of His coming
We had our reunion dinner last night, without my grandpa. Frankly, it’s hard not to think about his absence after spending 24 years together. Minus off the first early years, it is still about 2 decades. It’s hard to talk about him and write about him when every corner of the house somewhat sparks off a thought and your mind is occupied with his body gestures – how he used to sit, talk, eat. I miss him and I try not to think of him.
There are a few books I’ve recently completed and they have put that fear of the Lord in this heart especially the idea of “sin”. The scary thought would be that you still you are right with the Lord when you are actually not – self-righteousness. I just pray that His grace will keep me, that I’ll never fall away from Him. Thank You for the nail-pierced hands.
I’ve been thinking about my own dream and aspiration and ashamed to see the “I” in them. Have it ever crossed my mind that my dreams may not be His because His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than mine? I dream big but only He can bring me to the places He wants me to go. All I need is to humbly come before Him, acknowledging that He is God and He will direct my path. My prayer is that I will sincerely come before Him not because there is something I can gain from Him (which seemed to be often the case) but just because I love Him. The intention of coming before Him determines the aroma. Is it fragrant or smelly?
Thai life insurance
Just watched this video – Thai life insurance. Posted up by Yanjie.
Taking some time now to digest what was depicted and think about the effects it has on me. The constant repetition of the phrase “whatever will be will be” sounds rather sad. Not because of anything else but the fact that it was sung by a group of children who were disabled. And when they sung that, it almost meant that they were resigning to their fate. The smiles on their faces, however did not bring one across ours, because we assume they do not know what lies in the future for them – do they have a future? do they have a place in society in the future? This is ironic because any children song sung by children themselves would usually bring a big wide smile on ours too. What is striking is that the mothers of these children are not smiling. This is not the norm, a typical reaction we would expect.
Random thoughts for ideas.
